Anxiety tortured my mother and my daughter, and now, it’s found me.
My head is spinning. I’m crawling in my skin. It’s like the walls are about to cave in. I feel overwhelmed and anxious.
I hate this.
My heart is pounding. I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest.
Why do I feel this way? What am I so afraid of? I feel as though any minute the rug will be pulled out from under me. My thoughts are negative. I ruminate. This isn’t me.
I try to rationalize this. I want to understand why I feel this way. I want to know why.
But anxiety isn’t rational. It isn’t logical. It doesn’t need a reason to haunt me. It’s biological. The hormones and electrical signals in my brain are misaligned.
It’s genetic. GAD affects every member in my family. Why should I be excused?
I shouldn’t be surprised. The last few years have been extremely stressful. I’ve been through hell. And I’ve pushed through it all and kept going.
And now that life is quiet, my mind will not slow down. It’s as if my brain has been wound up so fast for so long that it doesn’t know how to slow down.
I try to calm my fight or flight instinct. Fear is an illusion. It’s a product of our imagination. Danger is real. I’m not in danger. I know I’m safe. Anxiety is pushing all my thoughts into the future conjuring up things that might happen. Fear is living in the future rather than the present moment.
I need to center myself. I need to meditate and spend time in prayer. I know this will pass. This is just a moment in time. It will get better.
I share this with you because I know I’m not alone. I’m not the only person fighting anxiety tonight. I know that somewhere out there someone else feels exactly the same way I do. And someone feels worse. And someone has felt this way every day for a long time. And they’re tired. And if that’s you, I want you to know that I’m on the struggle bus with you. I’m in the seat behind you. And if you feel like you’re going to fall, that the weight of it is going to crush you, know that I will help you. I’m tired but I’m not giving up. This moment will pass. We’re going to be okay.