My Turn

Anxiety tortured my mother and my daughter, and now, it’s found me. My head is spinning. I’m crawling in my skin. It’s like the walls are about to cave in. I feel overwhelmed and anxious. I hate this. My heart is pounding so hard it feels like it will jump out of my chest but it can’t because it feels like an elephant is sitting on my chest.

Why do I feel this way? What am I so afraid of? I feel as though any minute the rug will be pulled out from under me. My thoughts are negative. I ruminate. This isn’t me. I try to rationalize this. I want to understand why I feel this way. I want to know why. Why?

But, anxiety isn’t rational. It isn’t logical. It doesn’t need a reason to haunt me. It’s biological. The hormones and electrical signals in my brain are misaligned.

It’s genetic. GAD affects every member in my family. So why not me? I shouldn’t be surprised. The last few years have been extremely stressful. I’ve been through hell, and I’ve pushed through it all and kept going. Now that life is quiet my mind will not slow down. It’s as if my brain has been wound up so fast for so long that it doesn’t know how to slow down.

I try to calm my fight or flight instinct. Fear is just an illusion. It’s a product of our imagination. Danger is real and I’m not in danger. I know I’m safe. Anxiety pushes all my thoughts into the future dreaming up all the things that might happen. Fear is living in the future rather than the present moment. The future isn’t here yet. All of the scary things my mind conceives may never come to pass.

I need to center myself. I need to meditate and spend time in prayer. Though it lives with me, anxiety is temporary. I know this will pass. This is just a moment in time. It will get better and hopefully the moments between the lasty time I had anxiety and now will become longer and the distance farther.

I share this with you because I know I’m not alone. I’m not the only person fighting anxiety tonight. I know that somewhere out there someone else feels exactly the same way I do. And somewhere out there someone feels worse than I do. And someone has felt this way every day for a long time. And they’re tired. And if that’s you, I want you to know that I’m on the struggle bus with you. I’m in the seat behind you. And if you feel like you’re going to fall, that the weight of it is going to crush you, know that I am here to catch you. I’m tired but I’m not giving up and neither should you. This moment will pass. We’re going to be okay.

2 Comments on “My Turn

  1. Look at your feet. You are right here in the now. I learned that trick this week and have been looking at my feet every day to remind myself that I’m not in the past or future, but in the now.
    I’m with you on that bus, we are riding together. Sitting next to one another. We are together in.this journey….always remember that! ❤

  2. Thank you for sharing this my friend. I have been struggling lately too and have been wondering what the best course of action is for me. I don’t know if medication is right or if there’s another treatment option. I’m always a wreck with nerves and feel like I am going to crumble any minute. I’m open to suggestions if you want to share. This is new to me.

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